In the spirit of Halloween, tonight I give you my horror story…

I may have grown up in the country but as anyone who knows me will attest, I am very much a city girl. I do not ‘do’ Nature. But over the years it would appear it has a habit of finding me anyway. Living in the desert, or a civilised version thereof, you wouldn’t think there was much to worry about. It’s not Australia where packs of spiders wait for you underneath the toilet seat and snakes steal children in the night. But I am discovering lately how wrong my assumptions were about Dubai being Nature-free.

When we moved to here, we lived on the 27th floor of a brand new apartment block in the middle of the building site that was Dubai Marina at the time. It did not occur to me that I would have to deal with any kind of flora or fauna whilst residing there, and I was right – aside from our two cats, nothing else bothered us. When we moved to a villa, little desert beasties suddenly appeared on my radar for the first time. Ants, ants everywhere, and not just annoying ants but carnivorous ones that can smell you a mile away and suddenly attack you while you sip on a beer in the garden, nipping your feet, ankles, and anywhere else they can get to you. Then the mosquitoes arrived. Dubai didn’t have mosquitoes five years ago, or not so we noticed on the 27th floor. I guess the addition of thousands of water sprinklers everywhere and those lovely ‘lakes’ you see all around the new developments have aided their reproduction, to a point where we have regular fogging treatment in our current development just to control the problem.

But neither ants nor mosquitoes are particularly bothersome if you have enough lotion on and ensure you light every citronella candle within a five-mile radius. Slightly more revolting are the little critters that can make it into the house through the cracks under doors and pipe outlets, or by hitching a ride in boxes or deliveries. There are the little jumping spiders that are harmless and easy to kill, but freak you out when they leap. There are the annoying beetle things that don’t seem to serve any function at all except to die everywhere and be used as amusing playthings by my cats.

And then there are the real pests, the ones you just do not want to see. I remember being home alone at 8 months pregnant and opening the cupboard under the sink in the kitchen, only to have dozens of cockroaches pour down the door, fall out onto my bare feet and scatter to the four corners of the room. I shut the door and tried not to give birth before all too quickly remembering that the spray required to exterminate the critters was in said cupboard. (Note: Do not keep insect killer in the place most likely to harbour the problem.) Having summoned up the courage to reopen the door it then occurred to me if I had to empty the cat litter tray with gloves on and avoid hair dye on my scalp, that I probably shouldn’t be spraying Pif Paf. At least not in the quantities I had planned. One panic call to my cleaner later and she came to my rescue, followed swiftly by pest control.

We’ve also had a nest in our garden parasol, which although it was admittedly some time since it had been opened, surprised us all by yielding sleeping baby bats that plopped onto the patio one by one, narrowly missing my husband in the process. Friends of ours have had both red back spiders in the garden and a scorpion who decided to wander into the house one night. Luckily for them they had an Australian guest for dinner who knew exactly how to get rid of the thing. Another useful note: In case of emergency, always make sure you know an Australian.

Our current house has been sprayed inside and out so that (allegedly) nothing can live. But it hasn’t stopped the super-bugs from mounting an attack. And I mean super. There seem to be a new breed of insect invading now that are really, really out of my comfort zone, because they are all enormous. As yet (touch wood) none of these creatures appears to have made it past the front door, and I intend for it to stay that way because they frighten the bejeezus out of me.

First up is the giant moth. Sitting outside having lunch one day, my husband said ‘is that moth bothering you?’ I replied I couldn’t see a moth. Then he pointed out the ten centimetre long BIRD that was resting on our parasol stand. It was so big you could hear its wings flapping as it took off. It made me feel quite ill and also explained the never-ending moth holes that we seem to acquire on our clothes. At that size they must get through a t-shirt a day.

Next up are the giant wasps. A small mound of sand appeared outside our front door one morning last month with a tiny hole in the top. I assumed that it contained an insect that we might want to get rid of, so got the Pif Paf out and did the decent thing. The next day the mound doubled in size. Nothing else happened for a few days but after about a week a wasp that looked like three English wasps joined together took up residence. Pest control were called again, and we learnt that destroying these wasp nests is not enough. These guys keep returning to the same nest site over and over until they die.  So let me tell you, we were pretty ruthless about that one.

But finally, my biggest fear. You see, I don’t like spiders. I can cope with small jumping ones and I can cope with small crawling ones but anything larger than my big toenail starts to panic me, and the palm of the hand sort of size actually makes me physically sick. I haven’t put an image on this entry because I can’t look at them, and I’m even scared of dead ones in case they come back to life and get me. I am aware of the existence of Red Backs and lately, it appears, the Huntsman has also invaded Dubai. But honestly, I prefer not to think about it and make sure the garden and garage are sprayed regularly to discourage any unwanted visitors. So when my housekeeper came in a few weeks ago from the bin area with all the colour drained from her face, saying ‘big spider madam, come see’, I knew myself well enough not to do anything of the sort. The bin area. The one place I had forgotten to get treated and possibly the best hidey-hole of all. I called pest control but by the time they arrived the thing had disappeared. I asked my housekeeper to describe the spider to them and she held up two hands. They then sprayed the entire bin area and along the front of our house and the next two houses after that. That really was all the information I needed, but I did a little more research purely to reassure myself, because I seemed to remember reading somewhere that due to their exoskeletal structure, spiders actually can’t grow that big.

However, it would appear that they can. They are called Camel Spiders. According to the net, they are in the UAE and can grow up to EIGHT INCHES in size. That’s pretty much all I know. I actually haven’t googled them because I’m terrified of seeing what they look like and knowing one of them was quite possibly near my house. In fact my husband has banned me from looking them up even to write this blog entry, and I don’t blame him. It could put me in therapy for months or at the very least straight on a plane out of here. So if my facts are a little inaccurate please feel free to correct me.

What I did discover during my limited research was that there had apparently been one lurking by a pool in a nearby villa complex. Someone’s husband had gone for a swim and nearly stepped on it on the way out. The pool guy apparently tried to catch it with a net but it was too big to fit, so they had to sweep it into a box and wait for pest control to come. They really are that big. And they bite. I have no idea if they are poisonous and have no intention of ever getting near enough to one to find out, but here’s the catch with these bastards: apparently, they follow you. Well actually, they don’t follow you, they follow shade, and have a top speed of 10MPH, which is frankly a terrifying speed for something that’s already more scary than one animal has any right to be. So if you happen to see one and run away and you’re facing the wrong direction, it will feel like it’s chasing you because it’s trying to stay in your shadow. HOW FREAKY IS THAT?!

This post is sponsored by: Never. Going. Desert. Camping.

I overheard the most shameful conversation this week between two expats in Starbucks. The women were typical ‘new Dubai’ – all money and no class – glossed and preened and in five inch heels with their leather-tanned legs spilling out of their iddy biddy sundresses, relaxing with their lattes after a stressful morning of dropping the kids off at school. The conversation droned on in typical ‘how was your summer’ fashion and then they started to discuss their maids. How one had sat on her backside all summer (“The lazy bitch! I mean, the house was spotless but she said she didn’t clean the garden furniture because it was hot!”). How the other one was a miserable cow, and how dare she complain about her hours, she gets a good salary (“I pay her good money. She gets Dhs 1600 a month for God’s sake!” – this is the equivalent of a monthly salary of £250/$400). As the conversation progressed, it was revealed that this particular maid had asked to have a break during her day, which started at 7am with giving the kids their breakfast and ended when they were all in bed. It transpired she had dared to ask for longer than an hour’s rest in over twelve hours of what I can only imagine to be absolute hell looking after this woman and her family. The pair of them were bizarrely outraged by this request. I was, having listened to them in utter disbelief for 10 minutes, not only furious but ashamed to have even heard the exchange.

It’s not like I haven’t heard it all before. Maids are the done thing in Dubai. Labour is cheap, accommodation runs into the thousands of square feet and time is short when there’s so much time to be spent on swimming, sunbathing, manicures and shopping. Pretty much everyone that can, does. You might get the odd martyr who insists on doing their own housework but it’s a pretty safe bet to say once you’ve been there and had a maid, you are never going back.

Housemaids mainly come from two places: the Philippines and Sri Lanka, and the bottom line is that they are here to make money to make a better life for themselves and their families. They range in ability, education, and background, but the one thing they all have in common is that they are doing it for the money. Let me repeat: They are not scrubbing our toilets, doing our washing, tidying up toys, washing up, mopping, sweeping, walking the dog, babysitting or cleaning cars in the boiling heat for the love of it. THEY ARE DOING IT FOR THE MONEY.

This means that they will do pretty much anything to keep you happy and stay in your employ, but it doesn’t mean that if you are a total bitch they won’t hate you and disrespect you in private, leading to negative and disruptive behaviour that will eventually come back and bite you on the arse. Something an awful lot of people, the two in the coffee shop included, seem to forget when they hire these women to live in their homes and assume a role in their lives.

I love my maid. She does all the stuff I hate doing and she’s there to give me a break as and when I need one from my little angel. She is an extra pair of eyes and ears and is a reliable babysitter. And she is a lovely person too, softly spoken and smiling and always willing to lend a hand. But she is still doing it for the money. And although I trust her with my son, I know I will never leave him with her for extended periods of time, because part of the ‘keeping you happy’ rule extends to the children too. Keep them happy. Which as anyone who is a parent knows, generally involves letting them have their own way over anything and everything.

This in turn breeds a revolting subset of the community – the expat brat. I have come into contact with a fair few during my teaching career and a few more as a parent. You can always spot them. They are the ones that run to the maid when they are hurt, screaming ‘mummy!’, which would be embarrassing if their mummy was actually there to witness it. They are the ones that stare at you blankly when you say ‘tidy up time’ in the classroom, the ones who cry relentlessly at mother/toddler classes because their nanny is forcing them to do every activity first/best/most often so they can report back to the mummy that was getting her nails done that junior had a good time. They are the ones that cannot do up their shoes, walk up stairs, make their own beds, and, it has been known, not even been able to wipe their own backside. They apparently think it’s ok to hit and scream at the maid and can do it in front of their parents without being admonished. All this and more I have witnessed and it saddens me greatly, but with parental attitudes like the ones I heard at coffee, who can blame them?

And still these women come back for more. They take on our homes, our children, our gripes and our stresses. Many of them leave their own small children behind in their home countries to wait on ours. Others have no husband and no family, so they work in Dubai for as long as they can to make enough money to somehow secure their future. Some, like my maid, are working to pay for a house or land so that they can eventually leave Dubai to raise their own family. In my mind, these women are amazing – so driven and full of ambition to make a better life for themselves and their families that they will put up with almost anything.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t the bad eggs out there. Of course there are. There are thieves, and liars. There are maids that get pregnant and hide it and then ask you to help birth the baby (yes, my neighbour actually delivered her maid’s illegitimate and rather illegal baby in the kitchen). And there will always be people who want an easy life, or resent their lot, or – bottom line – simply aren’t very likeable. Our first maid was a prime example. When we fired her, it was mainly because we didn’t get on with her and she clearly wasn’t interested in working for us. It took us nearly two years to figure out that it was okay to ask her to leave on the basis that both she and us were obviously unhappy, because it didn’t seem like a legitimate reason. But given you are all living under one roof 24/7, it is actually one of the most legitimate reasons of all. We gave her a large severance package and a reference, because despite the fact that she wasn’t right for us, I truly believed she would be right for someone else. I’m not sure there is ever an excuse for treating someone as if they were sub-human, and if you do, what on earth do you expect in return? These women are our employees, and if we were all in an office they would be treated with professionalism, even if they were under-performing. Why should it be so different with someone who lives and works in your home?

Maids, like most people living and working in Dubai, are completely at the mercy of their employers. Your right to stay in the country depends on you holding down your job. It’s not ideal for anyone but it’s certainly a horrible situation to be in if you end up with a family who treats you like their own personal property. The fact that the conversation I heard was being held in public with no regards for how awful it sounded is an indication of how many maids must end up in a situation where they are miserable but held captive because they need the job and they need the money. Indeed, I once interviewed a maid who couldn’t take the job because her employers wouldn’t let her leave without suffering a six month ban from the country. For doing nothing more wrong than handing her notice in. She couldn’t afford the time unpaid so she stayed where she was, unhappy and overworked.

There are endless stories I could relate on this subject, and I am fully aware that whilst this post might seem a little irrelevant to an outsider, in Dubai the maid/madam relationship can be a contentious issue and is often discussed and debated. Maids and their ‘madams’ that don’t see eye to eye are like a couple going through a divorce – there are always two sides to the story and facts are often exaggerated or blown out of proportion – to whose advantage I’m not sure, because it doesn’t seem to make anyone any happier. I know why the maids put up with it but I’m not sure why the expats who they work for do. If they are so bad at their job or so disagreeable as to cause you to hate having them in the room, well then maybe it’s time for a change of staff, or a change of attitude. And lets all remember that we are extremely privileged to be able to have someone working for us at all. If we expect our maids to know exactly what we want from them and give themselves 110% to the job for a measly £250 a month, then I firmly believe we should all put a little effort into being professional and pleasant. Because, (and ladies in the coffee shop, I am talking to YOU) they might be doing it for the money, but manners cost you nothing.

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My mum, bless her, sent me a load of useful household tips today. I realised halfway through that I would never have any intention of doing any of these things. I am the world’s worst housewife. I love making our home look pretty and I am the original neat freak picture-straightener from hell, but ask me to clean it and I come out in a rash. So given I am in a list making kind of a mood this week, I thought I would put the Desperate Housewife of Dubai spin on the list in question and see what I came up with. Now I fear not only am I a slutty housewife but I also have a drinking problem…So here it is, along with the original list for those who might be slightly less sloth-like.

1. Winter Mocktail for Drivers – Hot, mulled Pomegranate Juice: Heat pomegranate juice with slices of orange, a split vanilla pod and a sachet of mulled wine spices.  Allow to infuse for an hour and serve.
DHD: Heat a bottle of red grape beverage with slices of orange, a split vanilla pod and a sachet of mulled wine spices.  Allow to infuse for an hour, although 10 minutes would do at a pinch, and serve. Call Safer Driver to take you home

2. How to stop an insect bite from itching: Crush an aspirin, mix with enough water to create a paste and apply to infected area. Not suitable for those allergic to aspirin.
DHD: See no.1. Drink enough that you don’t care about the itching and use the aspirin to nurse your head the next morning instead.

3. How to stop boots sagging, creasing or falling over in wardrobe: Empty bottles!  Place inside shoes.
DHD: See no.1. Note: you will need to double the quantities.

4. Three Clever things to do with vinegar:
After chopping onions, scrub your hands with salt and a splash of vinegar to remove smell.
Remove sticky labels from vases and glasses by dampening with vinegar, then leaving for 5 minutes before buffing off with a paper towel.
Bring out bright colours in your washing by adding a cup of white distilled vinegar to the rinse cycle.
DHD: Give a bottle to your maid along with a DVD of Anthea Turner’s ‘The Perfect Housewife‘ and you shouldn’t need to do anything more clever with your own vinegar except sprinkle your chips with it.

5. Frozen Berries: Add a few to drinks instead of ice cubes – they provide a burst of flavour and colour and cool it down without diluting it.
DHD: Stick a bottle of Absolut Rasberri in the freezer about 2 hours before you drink it.

6. Remove coffee and tea stains from favourite mugs: Make a paste of baking soda and a little water. Then gently rub over any marks to remove them
DHD: Fire the maid for not doing the washing up properly then buy new ones. They weren’t this season’s colours anyway.

7. Three uses for fabric softener sheets:
Run a threaded needle through a fabric softener sheet before starting sewing to prevent the thread twisting and knotting.
Clothing gone static? Gently pat yourself down with a fabric softener sheet to get rid of electricity
Freshen up clothes and shoes in wardrobe by storing them alongside fabric softener sheets
DHD: If your clothes have ‘gone static’ then you are shopping in the wrong places.

8. Three uses for everyday items:

Baby oil: Rub a few spots over a dull stainless-steel sink to restore its shine. Also works on chrome trim of kitchen appliances and bathroom fixtures.
DHD: Use in place of sun lotion to get rid of pesky strap marks.

Emery Board: Stained a suede jacket or pair of shoes? Rub the area gently with an emery board, then hold over steaming kettle to remove mark.
DHD: Emery boards belong at the spa. If you have a stain on anything you should obviously throw it away and use it as an excuse to go shopping.

Freezers: Place candles in freezer 2 hours before burning them – will freeze wax and improve lasting power.
DHD: This is Dubai. Clearly your candles will be far too big to get in the freezer and have a burn time of approximately 14 years if our list of dinner party invites has been anything to go by. So I wouldn’t worry.

9. Get rid of troublesome stains: Cranberry or other berry juices; flush with cold water then, using an eye dropper apply a solution of one part white vinegar and two parts water.  Leave to stand for 10 mins then treat with a combination solvent such as Oxyclean and wash as normal.  This technique works for coffee stains too.
DHD: Tub of Vanish and a good day’s work for the housemaid  should do the trick.

10. Two ways with lemons:
Rub half a cut lemon over wooden or plastic cutting board to clean and bleach surface.
Add up to half a cup of lemon juice to a wash cycle instead of bleach to brighten your whites.
DHD:
Vodka and Tonic.
Gin and Tonic.