As any long-timer will know, ordering things online for delivery in Dubai has been notoriously difficult to accomplish until the genius invention of Shop and Ship, the launch of which has been a blessing and a curse, depending on if you are my husband’s wallet or not. However, as long as you steer clear of heavy things (delivery is charged by weight) and stick to items that weigh virtually nothing, it’s a great way of getting things that just aren’t available in Dubai. For example, mail order bikinis.

Yes, you read right. Bikinis. You’d think in a country that has year-round sunshine, that there would be plenty of places that sell them, but actually we’re rather short on variety, particularly in the winter season, because bizarrely just as the weather cools down enough to hit the beach, the shops bring out their jumpers and jackets ready for, well, I’m not really sure what

This is not my arse

because it never dips below 65. But anyway, swimwear – in my experience – can only come from three places: Beyond the Beach, which is everywhere in Dubai but unfortunately doesn’t provide the adequate support one needs for a bust more generous than a B cup; Debenhams, which I visited recently to find their holiday shop shrunk to the size of my downstairs toilet; and Harvey Nicks, who only make swimwear for 5’10” size zero AA twenty-somethings. Last time I ventured in their swimwear section the shop assistant actually laughed at me when I asked if there was anything in my size. Which given I’m not exactly large at a UK10 was more than a little rude. Hence mail order is my saviour and it doesn’t come better than Figleaves, in my experience.

So, a few weeks back I ordered a few different tankini and bikini tops for fat days and thin ones and then ordered the knickers to match, and then patiently waited for Shop and Ship to do their bit. Which they did, and lo and behold, five days later, I was the proud owner of…an open bag. All the tops had arrived, but the knickers, along with all the shipping paperwork, had mysteriously disappeared. After an initial ‘Grrrrrrr typical, why can’t anything go smoothly here?’ moment, I made a quick call to Figleaves and a new order was on the way (they really are very good!) whilst they investigated what happened to my pants. The replacements arrived in time for our holiday and I duly forgot all about it.

Until yesterday, when my loving husband turned up with my knickers, freshly delivered from the courier company. It was very nice of them to find them, but WHERE HAVE THEY BEEN? Who has been coveting my pants for the past two weeks? Why give them back? Are they even clean? Who has tried them on? Or were they just sitting on the floor of a delivery van for a fortnight? Do I need to fumigate them and will I ever feel clean when I wear them or will they forever be ‘the frilly polka dot pants that the courier wore’?

Of course the right thing to do is send them back, which will ironically cost me money to post them and probably due to massive confusion, end up with me getting a refund. Maybe next time I’ll stick to being laughed at.